My love affair with music

I just came home from choir practice.

Yes, you heard me right. Choir practice. Those of you who know me can say I am by no means a singer, nor do I intend to be. I joined the choir as part of my new year's resolution: to get back in to music in a big way.

I've been playing music since I was quite young. I started plunking on the piano in the garage when I was... maybe 7 years old? I'm sure my Mom would know the exact age. Guitar came next as soon as I could reach my arm (but not quite my eyes) around the body of my Dad's acoustic.  I started playing saxophone in elementary school, probably around the age of 10, with the Grade 6/7 concert band. A few other instruments have come and go over the years as I got bored - flute and bass for example - but the first three stuck around.

I hit my best when I got the chance to play with (or at least open for) some incredible musicians: Martha Reeves, The Temptations, Gene Hardy, Jim Byrnes... but around 18 years old, I started to take university really seriously. I let school take over my life for a few years. I hardly did anything else, and music dropped nearly off the radar. To be honest, there wasn't really a better excuse than that.

I moved to Vancouver, which made it easier to avoid questions like: "who are you playing with these days?" and "did you bring your horn?" I would make excuses like "no one at the moment; I haven't really broken into the scene yet" and "oh, well I walked on the ferry and didn't want to carry my sax." The more I said it, the more I believed it. The more people would ask, the more I would shy away from the idea of playing again.

Long story short, music became a real sore, soft spot for me. I can honestly say that I became afraid to try playing again. About a year ago I decided to pull out my sax, just to see if I still knew how to play it and all that came out was horrible honking noises and squawks. Sounds funny right? The bloody thing just about broke my heart. I put it back in its case.

I can't say there was a definite turning point, but I can say that over the last few months I finally took a look at my relationship with music. I was terrified of trying again, because I knew that there was no way I'd be where I was before. I was worried about disappointing myself. I was hesitant to even give myself another chance and skeptical of my ability to really try.

The New Year just happened to come around at a convenient time. While I haven't been known to make resolutions (again, probably for the fear of disappointing myself), I decided that 2012 was the year I'd get back into music in a big way.

And so I am.

So far, I've joined a community concert band, a jazz ensemble and a choir. I've purchased a new sound module for my keyboard, eliminating the setup hassle that comes with a computer/MIDI keyboard combination. I put new strings on my guitar, and put it next to my bed, ready to play at a moment's notice.

All this has put my playing time to 5-10 hours per week, which I think is a pretty good start. I even solo-ed on Sunday night. Yes, musician friends, you're rolling your eyes at me but it's a big step OK?! And there I go being defensive again. My confidence is growing each time I play, or sing for that matter. Hopefully some day I'll get back to where I was before, and maybe even beyond.

Thanks, everyone, for listening to me blather on about my battle against myself. And thanks, everyone, for asking those difficult questions, because you were right. And thanks in advance, everyone, for coming to my terrible, out-of-tune concerts in the near future because you love me and support what I'm doing. Yes you do. Don't deny it.